dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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