My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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