Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
