i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize