Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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