I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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