Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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