I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
