I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
We need to rekindle our bromance
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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