just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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