Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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