the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
