I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
How's work?
Spinning.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
