you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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