I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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