it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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