Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
