i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
