You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
