well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
