So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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