Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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