I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
