I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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