my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
