We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
