I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
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