I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
tell me about the eggs
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