I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
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