booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
