Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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