please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
