He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
