i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
