I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
