threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
