Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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