i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
