I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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