"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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