Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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