i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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