My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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