just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
