I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
