Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
