I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
