I just pynch a tree in the face
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
