Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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