Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Randomize
