She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize