Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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