if only i could text you this smell
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
