I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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