We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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