i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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