I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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