I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize