My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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