You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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