i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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