I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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