You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize