is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
