I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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