if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
