My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
